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today sucked!
the artist is sick. rust issues make for line issues make the car likely to either start on fire or not stop when moving. rust issues, line issues, i am learning are incredibly expensive to deal with. birthday week is sucking so far.
then while attempting to make my day stuck at my house productive, i started calling some of the apartments we saw yesterday. One old guy answered and asked if I was interested in the one or two bedroom. I said either and then explained the situation of how I'm moving in first but in a couple months sb might join. he stops and says, "who might move in? your niece?" me: "no, my boyfriend." him: "oh we don't handle unmarried people. good bye." and he hung up.
what a day.
right now watching a very compelling epi of intervention. this girl doesn't chew her food. its very strange. i like this show.
i do not like the world right now. |
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Last weekend, SB and I took our first roadtrip/vacation together...
this is our story... in pictures
( ocelot? ) |
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I suppose I could use this space, this time to actually update. On Friday I went here, and on Saturday this person called. But really, since the champions league day, much has happened. More mean words at work, that aren't meant mean, but they come out mean and I'm so over it. A semi-solution that calms my nerves and my heart. A medical scare that tested strength in so many ways and truth be told all bonds are stronger. but after finishing the book I just read, I wish instead for only this - which might be a tad too personal for a public entry but whatev.
I suppose every relationship, be it with family, friends or lovers, works in waves. There are moments when you feel closer to the other person that you could have ever imagined possible. When their every thought, every movement seems to be something you envisioned in your head before it happened. When you feel at home in strange towns. And there are moments when no matter how loud you yell or long you talk the other person never seems to understand. I have had, as I suspect we all have had, these moments with a few different people. And in the last two months I have had both of these moments, to the extreme, with the same person. And after everything, the tests and the rewards, I layed there on the floor last Saturday night, hazy from champagne and two plus hours of the sopranos, gingerly touched his arm with the tip of my finger and wondered, "after nearly a year, is it possible to become re-smitten with someone?"
I know that this feeling eventually will give way to the other wave, the pendullum will always swing. But after weathering all that we, I, have recently, I hope to remember how confident, healthy, happy and calm/excited that I am right now, and hope to always cherish the upswing of the waves more than i fret about the downswings. and as I have also had many close friendships re-emerging and changing shapes, I hope to carry these lessons to the way I treat and expect to be treated in those relationships.
Also, I would like to say the June 13th has come and gone. And for the first time since it's initial coming five years ago, I felt as safe and as loved and as whole as I'm sure she wanted me to be. And while a good deal of it had to do with SB, much of it also had to do with my actions from the week before and the calm that i am finding within myself.
p.s. we're taking a road trip this weekend. a mini-break. |
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so much has been happening, or has happened, or is about to happen, that a proper update is really becoming increasingly necessary. however, due to me working 14 hours today, i am too exhausted. but suffice to say, until probably tomorrow when i plan to devote a night to my hair, my laundry and my lj and properly update, that the searches for apartment and job continues which is stressful, but i am currently happier and saner than i have been in a very long time.
oh, and we're driving to wisco on saturday.
oh, and i'm reading the best book ever, Behind the Bedroom Door. Daring. Provocative. Unflinchingly Honest. Essays about Sex by Today's Most Gifted Women Writers., and I highly recommend it to anyone who's ever been in a relationship, wanted a relationship, or has had/thought about sex.
good night. |
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this was the front yard on wednesday... |
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Jun. 1st, 2009 @ 11:20 pm
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today, is a sad day.
there are no words. there are too many words in my head. so i sit with candles. |
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well today definitely did not go as planned. sb and i slept in late. woke up lazily. picked up my man u glory glory poster and displayed it proudly in the yard. a mere three hours, two barce goals later, and i feel bummed.
i took off of work for this. today has to be the day when something else happens. i feel very carrie bradshaw when i say that. but its true. too many things lately have started picture perfect with the best of intentions and then go crazy and everyone ends up staring at their own feet wondering what happened. i don't want today to be like that. trying for change.
sb's napping, i'm curled up with amstel light typing this. life is so funny sometimes. crossroads and such. trying to fit in. sometimes i wonder if any place, any group of people will ever feel like home. i've been thinking about this a lot lately. sb doesn't always do what i wish he would do. sometimes, admittedly he does the complete opposite and i'm left hurt and sad. but at the same time, he never stops trying. and i think i need to get better, i think i am getting better at appreciating that. his family is also starting to see me, at good times and at bad - like when i was upset about my sister's hearing and stuff - and yet somehow life goes on. i think, maybe, that's where truth and beauty lie, where home might be, where i also wished it would be. its not always pretty, or explainable or perfect. but its always there. and in the middle of the night it grabs you.
its almost june. and i'm still not any closer on figuring out my next move. i turned down one opportunity. cause it just wasn't right for me. but pretty soon the clock will start ticking. it will be july and time will be out.. job, apartment, future. all shall be determined soon.
i think we're coming to wisco soon for the phish shows. my sister graduates two weeks from friday. i can't believe how time flies.
i need another beer. man u lost. and the lady at espn when previewing the game kept calling messi, Lionel - like Riche, not like Messi, and I laughed. but i suppose after a game like that, it doesn't matter how you pronouce their names, they're the stupid champs now. bitterness ensues... |
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May. 12th, 2009 @ 11:19 pm
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nothing like a game in hand...
here's to tomorrow...
i'm making many important phone calls as well tomorrow...so yeah, here's to solidifying titles and futures... |
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this is possibly the best thing ever...
only to be enjoyed if you like beckett and favre and strange sense of humor...
Waiting 4, Godot 0 |
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we had our SIDS training tonight after work. no joke, the most depressing hour of my life. so grounding. so I came home and ate dewey's and watched lost.
i feel like i've been through a war. and despite the fact that somethings about tomorrow scare me beyond belief, i feel better today about things that i have in a while. and that's saying something. i have a knack though for posting something good and then things momentarily fall apart. but there's something that's bonding about going through rough times.
i read clay and bj's first press conference remarks and they made me smile. baby clay, a packer now. seriously, i feel like i've waiting my whole life for the packers to draft a usc boy.
the brewers will be here for a two game stand next week, i'd like to go.
i've been reading a lot lately, trying to find a more pacifist way of dealing with issues.
sb and i decided to start watching the sopranos from the beginning. he also asked me last night if we can start going for walks. and then we tried to get food from bw's late and of course i didn't eat. my lack of eating real meals lately is odd. where did my appetite go?
while trying desperately to find my disc 3 of my 9 disc drive to cali set from jenny jenny, i found the two disc mix "sad songs remind me" that a friend made for me what seems many moons ago. truthfully, i don't htink i ever listened to the whole thing. and i always listen to the whole of mixes given to me. i guess that says something... i didn't want to be sad anymore...
some lady emailed me about a nanny position. i responded. not really the new chapter i was looking to start, but figured can't hurt to look.
i really like the mgmt cd.
morgan had the idea to have the kids paint outer space today, so the kids made messes with blue and white paint. most of them just ended up looking like they were extra's in braveheart with all the blue on their faces. it was precious. |
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Apr. 27th, 2009 @ 09:20 pm
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a family asked me if i was free to babysit wednesday night. i said no. champions league. i have priorities. |
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Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 09:43 pm
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Jayme thinks this is the cutest thing that she has ever seen..
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i tend not to trust warm and happy.
but late last night, it felt like last september, it felt safe.
in other news i dyed my bottom roots today and am completely proud and amazed at myself
also, all the babies are sick. its insane.
also, it will be 85 here this weekend. can't wait to sit outside. |
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went out for brad's birthday today. j alexanders. cosmos and good beer. i ordered the not so ordinary mac and cheese and fries. it was crunchy, but i tried to not be "jayme-like" while eating and just assumed it was the baked topping, and kept eating; the cheese was good. then suddenly i notice, red. FUCK. I didn't eat much, but I did eat bacon and ham. fuck. now my tummy is all messed up. its amazing how quickly the body forgets how to process things. and all because i didn't want to look picky. and examine my food. all because i hate the way i eat. i'm sitting here, after leaving my friend celebrating, holding my stomach swearing, because meat is awful.
but i did finish downloading mgmt this morning and that helps.
i'm job searching. that's stressful. |
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Apr. 14th, 2009 @ 11:18 pm
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happy 5 year anniversary lj.. |
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Apr. 13th, 2009 @ 08:50 pm
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rachel getting married?
anne hathaway just broke my heart.
its on to doubt now
i love nights in |
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4
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Mar. 31st, 2009 @ 07:24 pm
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hip hip.
this ones for you...
in other news we finished our NAECY visit today. months of stress, now done. now we just wait. |
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Mar. 31st, 2009 @ 12:54 am
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Love pull your sore ribs in
I will pull your tangles out
In the back of your car I feel like
I have traveled nowhere
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?
Well I don't know
I don't know, ooh
I don't know
I don't know, ooh
Everything in my body says not tonight
Everything in my body says no
Everything in my body says not tonight
Everything in my body says no
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?
What will bring me home?
What will make me stay, stay?
Well I don't know
I don't know, ooh
I don't know
I don't know, ooh
there are many thoughts right now about death and dying and living and proving oneself and tests and staying true...but this is all i have right now. its late... |
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